I have never been on a job interview where I haven’t been offered a job. Don’t get too excited and start asking for interview advice or anything. I think it’s mostly been because I have pretty decent schmooze capabilities and a gift for getting interviewers that would rather talk about themselves instead of asking questions. Which brings me to today’s interview with a direct marketing company who for the sake of this post we will call BubblyGirls Inc.
The posting on Careerbuilder read RESTAURANT/CUSTOMER SERVICE/RETAIL EXPERIENCE WANTED. Ok. I have that, I have loads of that. -A woman threw underwear at me my first day of working EVER and I was still able to tell her to have a nice day.- Sketchy job description though, I really hoped this wasn’t one of those job scams where you have to drive around trying to sign people up for telephone discounts (Yeah. I’ve been on that interview too.), but I applied anyway. Hell, any job is better than no job, right?
The thing about these companies is they all have OVERLY energetic people with really vanilla names working for them. I think if I had accepted the job offer I would have needed to change my name to *Stephanie and add several “likes” and “oh! cools” to my vocabulary. Sometime last week, I received a phone call from **Kayla in the HR department of BubblyGirls Inc. requesting to, ‘like’ set up a phone interview with one of their managers. -Yes, she really said “like” and I believe there was an “awesome” in the form of a question that SO many women think is cute. It’s not. It makes you sound stupid. Cut it out.- So anyway, against my better judgement, I set up a phone screen for the next day at 1 pm. At 12:45 the next day, I received a phone call from an even more bubbly girl by the name of **Ashleigh who was so super excited to ask me a few questions about myself. The call lasted all of 5 minutes at the end of which I was told that I would receive a call back if I was one of the lucky top contenders chosen for a face-to-face interview. Well, lucky me! I was like totally chosen and so super excited? (oh no! did I just speak in the form of a question?)
So, I printed out my resume, did my make-up and put on my best interview face:
Including snarky smirk. I promise I actually smiled at these women.
When I arrived at the office of BubblyGirls Inc., I was immediately greeted by the ***cattiest gay receptionist in the world, who looked me up and down, sniffed, and said, “She’ll be right with you”, in the most snobby tone of voice I have EVER heard. (This is impressive. My grandparents hung out with some pretty snobby rich folks.) A few minutes, later **Ashleigh bounded out to the lobby to greet me. First question, “So tell me a little about yourself?” Ugh! That’s not a question Ashleigh! So I did a quick rundown of my qualifications and blah blah, just moved here, sick of snow, wanted something new, pleasehiremeIhaveaveryexpensiveiPhonetopayfor!, and Ashleigh “like” informed me that I would now get to go out into the field to observe what the job would actually be. Seriously? One not question and five minutes later you’re sending me to talk to yet ANOTHER BubblyGirl about whether or not I am bubbly enough to sell your skin care products? (Cue flashback to telephone sales “marketing” interview) I exit the non-interview, refrain from giving catty gay boy the finger and make my way back to my car to drive all the way to a Scottsdale Sam’s Club. (I’m not changing the name of Sam’s Club. You’ll see why) I considered not going in for a moment. You see, I vehemently oppose all things Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club on account of their shady business practices. For instance, intentionally researching small towns with only one local ma and pa store that’s been there for generations and building a giant tan and green Supercenter that promptly puts ma and pa out of business because they can’t compete with the low prices that Sam has probably single-handedly arm wrestled out of the manufacturer that in turn goes out of business after which I imagine Sam stands there and pees on the ruins of said business all the while laughing at the demise of yet another family’s ability to support themselves. Don’t worry Earl, Sam will give you a job as a greeter! …uh- where was I? Right BubblyGirls.
I walk into the Sam’s Club, to be greeted by BubblyGirl #3, we’ll call her Mackenzie. Mackenzie immediately reaches for my thumb to show me how super awesome this nail file works to make my nails so shiny that I can see my reflection in them and isn’t that amazing? -Kill me now, I should have just gone home.- Instead, I reply with some sort of lame attempt at “that’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen, now I can die happy!”, which was convincing enough for Mackenzie to go through the run down of the pay scale (minimum wage or commission, whichever is higher at the end of the pay period), opportunities for growth (none) and ask me what TWO qualities I had that made me stand out from the rest of the crowd? To which I promptly sent a text to a friend that read, “Yeah. There’s no way I’m taking this job even if they offer it to me.”
Moral of the story, NEVER go to an interview for a “marketing” company with a vague job description and a website that tells you all about how wonderful they are without ACTUALLY telling you what they do. It’s a scam. If I wanted to make minimum wage while trying to sell people products they don’t want or need, I would still be a cashier at the good old craft store. At least at the craft store people WANTED the products!
*I apologize for offending anyone named Stephanie. There were at least 13 of them in my graduating high school class. I was simply illustrating that your parents all got together and named their children the same names. I’m sure Emma will be our children’s Stephanie, just as Elaine was Stephanie in 1950. (No really, I looked it up. That was the year it was most popular)
**Name changed to protect privacy.
***I love the gays, seriously. I live with one. This guy was well, for lack of a better word, a stupid bitch.