One size fits all

Have you ever gone into a store and fallen in love with an article of clothing, only to discover that the tag reads, “one size fits all”? This is a crock of shit.  I’ve got news for you, clothing manufacturers, ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL!!!  One size doesn’t even fit most!  I hardly see Fat Albert squeezing his man-titties into a T-shirt sized for Nick Jonas.  Or me squeezing into a sweater dress cut from a stencil of Kate Moss’s anorexic ass.  I can just see it now:  I slip the dress over my head and past my shoulders, only to have it roll up like a rubber band right at the top of my chest and under my armpits in such a way that my arms are stuck in the air and I have to ask assistance from the 16-year-old skinny teeny-bopper to get me out of the sweater dress trap I have gotten myself into because I am -of course- shopping alone.  All the while she’s thinking, “Did she REALLY think she was going to stretch that over those back boobs?  Now I’ll never sell this!”

No, thank you.  I’ll stick to real sizes. M, L, XL

The month in review…a few days late

Ok ok ok.  I know I’ve been absent for some time, but it’s not my fault!  I have not given up on my blog and I promise I’ll not be gone for so long ever again.

To the topic at hand…

At the start of the month, I was feeling like a huge overweight cow that was out of breath from the thought of walking up and down the stairs any more than once in the morning and once at night.  My chins had tripled and I was on the verge of needing a rear facing brassière.

Today, I have lost 12 pounds and retaught myself that moderation is the key to a healthy existence.  I survived 1 birthday party, The Lushers delicious cinnamon rolls (the smell was heavenly), a snowy drinking day and many many offerings from the evil cake lady.  I know that it won’t always be so easy as it has been this month, but I know that I will be able to handle whatever delicious temptation comes my way.

Lainy

I’m bringing sexy back

Let’s talk for a moment about love handles.

You know, those undesirable mounds of fat on your back?  Also referred to as a muffin top, bulging waistline, flab, hate handles, middle age spread, spare tire or my personal preference, back boobs.  Not everyone is afflicted with these unfortunate appendages, but thanks to the genetics from my father’s side of the family, I have been blessed with enormous back boobs.  Thanks Dad.  Even at my lightest weight, my back still looked like the top of a soft serve ice cream cone.  How does one get rid of this flubber, aside from hiding them with spanx or getting liposuction?  Honestly, I would be willing to offer my back boobs as a donation to a poor unfortunate flat chested woman. We could make history as the first ever fat transplant! See how selfless I am?

Anyway, the reason for this rambling about back fat comes from last nights outing.  A good friend was celebrating a birthday and invited me to dinner at a restaurant I had never been to.  She explained that the food was fantastic and they had great cake. CAKE! Why do I keep encountering cake?!

Pushing thoughts of cake out of my mind, I rushed home from work and ran upstairs to get all gussied up for the evening ahead.  Then I remembered that I have NOTHING to wear because lets face it, 4 pounds is not enough weight loss for a significant change in the way clothes fit.  So out comes trusty body cinching, super uncomfortable, corset thingy.  Suck it back fat!  You will be tamed!

The end result was not perfect but it squeezed my stomach enough to keep me from devouring any of that delicious looking cake! Say nothing about the 4 beers later at the bar…