Mermaid or whale?

The below email was sent to me today and I laughed for a long time after reading it.  I hope everyone else enjoys too.

Recently, in a large city in France, a poster featuring a young, thin and
tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of
the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question
posed by the gym.
_

To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious
humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby
whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with
shrimp..
They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,
the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia …
Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than
humans.
They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don’t exist.
If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of
Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don’t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them,
not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them … where is IT?
Therefore, they don’t have kids either.
Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells
like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.

P..S.. We are in an age when media puts into our heads
the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an
ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and
a piece of chocolate with my friends..
With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨

Bunnies don’t lay eggs…

I have managed to avoid buying or receiving any Reese’s peanut butter eggs this year.  *stomach growls angrily*  Quiet stomach, you get no chocolate bunnies!!  Instead, I will take advantage of the absolutely beautiful weather and go for a nice long walk to the grocery store to buy sale Easter candy in the park.

Enjoy your Sunday everyone!

It’s ok, you’re on vacation

Note to self: You are never on vacation from a diet! BTW-I hate the word diet, it’s too temporary.  I don’t want this shit creeping back up on me in a couple of years like, “hey Lainy! remember me?  You’re old pals thunder thighs?  We’re baaaaccccckk. Why? Because you dieted you damn fool.  You should have just accepted that it’s a food addiction and you need to work on a lifestyle change.  Now you’re going to rub a whole on the inside of your jeans for all eternity.  And you better behave, otherwise we’re inviting your old pals Pamela and Anderson onto your back again.”

I had an absolutely fantastic vacation that was filled with many glasses of beer, many meals at restaurants and WAY too many thoughts in my head of, “it’s ok, you’re on vacation.”  Which then turned into, “it’s ok, you already ate like a pig last week, may as well keep going.  One chicken biscuit won’t hurt.  Just do an extra few laps around the building at work.  You’ll be fine.”  Unacceptable!  I never really thought that I had a routine that I follow, especially considering the constant change to my work schedule, but I guess I am that type of person.  It is much easier for me to make sure I get all of my water intake when I’m not guzzling Guinness with friends, or eating every meal at a restaurant.  I guess I should have brought the food police with me.  Maybe then I wouldn’t have finished every plate of food that I ordered.  On second thought, I’m glad I didn’t bring them.  That beer was delicious.

End result: up 1 pound as of last week and not looking forward to getting on the scale tomorrow morning.

Progress?

Well last week I didn’t lose any weight, but I didn’t gain any either.  I’m gonna go ahead and consider that to be a big fat win.  Especially considering the SLEEVE of thin mints that I consumed last Thursday night.  I’ve been fighting off some massive cravings for the past few weeks and that has led to a lack of motivation to update this blog.  I know that doesn’t help me at all, because the whole point of writing is to find moral support from creepy internet friends and, most importantly, to give me an outlet to express my frustrations.  Well, I’m pretty flippin frustrated with life in general right now.  I obviously won’t go in to too much detail because I don’t think it’s smart to trash your job, co-workers, or friends via the internet, but I would like very much to give a gigantic FUCK YOU to the world right now and curl up with a plate of brownies, or hell, another box of thin mints.

I won’t though.  I’ve chosen to stay far, far away from the pantry today.  Even though the thin mints were calling my name…

Listen all y’all it’s a sabotage!

Day 5.

I’m super proud of myself.  I skipped beer last night at trivia, I brought my lunch to work yesterday and I even  did the Jared subway diet today, since I forgot to pack a lunch.  I’m off to such a great start that something is bound to go wrong. Right?

Enter evil cake lady.  The instructor for our cake decorating class at work always leaves behind a cake on the first night of class.  Tonight was the first night of class, and evil cake lady is so evil that she specifically baked a deliciously double chocolatey cake with buttercream icing specifically for me. I politely declined a tasting of the cake.  She persisted.  I once again declined but this time I added,” thisisthe5thdayofSlimdown2010anddnoIcannotjusthaveatastethankyouverymuch!” Because as any true food addict knows, one taste always leads to a whole piece, which then leads to the whole damn cake and then you’re looking at the crumbs on the plate thinking, “Did I really just eat a whole cake?” Yes. Yes you did.

Not this time my friends.  That cake is sitting untouched in the employee break room and I am off tomorrow.  It will be gone upon my return, with any luck.

Stay tuned for Lainy’s Triumphant return to the gym.  Oh it’s gonna happen. Time to battle the bulge-cardio style!