One size fits all

Have you ever gone into a store and fallen in love with an article of clothing, only to discover that the tag reads, “one size fits all”? This is a crock of shit.  I’ve got news for you, clothing manufacturers, ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL!!!  One size doesn’t even fit most!  I hardly see Fat Albert squeezing his man-titties into a T-shirt sized for Nick Jonas.  Or me squeezing into a sweater dress cut from a stencil of Kate Moss’s anorexic ass.  I can just see it now:  I slip the dress over my head and past my shoulders, only to have it roll up like a rubber band right at the top of my chest and under my armpits in such a way that my arms are stuck in the air and I have to ask assistance from the 16-year-old skinny teeny-bopper to get me out of the sweater dress trap I have gotten myself into because I am -of course- shopping alone.  All the while she’s thinking, “Did she REALLY think she was going to stretch that over those back boobs?  Now I’ll never sell this!”

No, thank you.  I’ll stick to real sizes. M, L, XL

She’s got legs

Reebok EasyTones.  Need I say more? (Of course I do, it’s my blog and I’ll ramble if I want to.)

A shoe that tones your legs and butt as you walk?! No freaking way, that’s like ordering a Diet Coke with your Big Mac!  Then, I read a few reviews and saw how many women were raving about them.  I’m on my feet all day, every day. I MUST BUY THESE SHOES!  My first thought honestly was that if they were comfortable, what’s the harm in wearing them? I needed new work shoes, so on January 28 I custom ordered a pair of completely black sneaks.   I was so pumped!  Then, I received an email that said my order would ship within 3-5 weeks. You have got to be shitting me!!  I have to wait more than a month to be asstastic?!  *pout*

I waited impatiently for my purchase to arrive, everyday checking to see if a box was at the front door.  Exactly 4 weeks from date of purchase, they arrived!!  I immediately tore open the box like a kid on Christmas morning.  What stood before me was the SHINIEST pair of sneakers I have ever seen.  WTF? I didn’t order mary-jane’s, I ordered ass toning sneakers!  Ok…calm down Lainy, the shiny finish will look better at work anyway.  So I laced them up and slid my feet in.

These are quite possibly the most comfortable pair of shoes I have EVER worn!  I feel like I’m walking in sand, or on air, or- you know- on sunshine (hehe).  Now for those that don’t know, there are balance pods on the bottom of the shoes that create an instability which results in your leg muscles working harder.  The first day at work, I squatted down with a shelf in my hand, something I do pretty regularly with no problem, and proceeded to fall backwards ON MY ASS!  (No one would have seen it if I hadn’t loudly said “oh shit” while dropping the shelf full of merchandise on top of me.)  I quickly used the shoes as the excuse but really, I think I’m just clumsy.  I have been wearing the shoes everyday for a week of work (61 hours…in case you were wondering) and I actually do notice a difference…in my calves.

The sharpeis that are calling themselves my thighs are a different story…

Don’t judge me!

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been 11 years since my last confession. (wow. Really?)
I gave in to temptation today. After a particularly stressful work morning, I bought a hot Italian sub with a side of fries. I was going to skip the fries, but the cashier, we’ll call her Eve, said, “you know you want fries. You won’t be satisfied unless you order them.” I’m not making excuses, I know I’m only hurting myself and I will accept whatever penance you give to me whole heartedly. Just as soon as I wash the grease from my hands…

You bet your sweet ass I am…

Last week was a very successful week for me. I worked out twice and lost 5 pounds. My muscles are completely sore all the way through but I plan to keep up the 30 day shred as much as possible. I’ve got to push through the pain to achieve the desired results. Is what I said to myself when I woke up this morning.

I got home from work today, popped in the Shred, forced my way through the warm up, and gave up.  2 days in a row is just not happening. My legs are on fire!  It hurts every time I sit on the toilet, which is every 2 minutes because I’m drinking so damn much water! I will give myself a day to rest, then pick it back up tomorrow.

I can do this!

This week, I will make it my mission to work out every other day.  I must shed this flab!!